the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
