so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
We were destined to go to rehab together
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
