The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
