I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
