the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize