I'm so fucking centered right now
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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