hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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