seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize