Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
