i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
