So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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