I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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