I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
He better not be in your backpack
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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