Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
My cat gives me a boner
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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