I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
