how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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