Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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