this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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