I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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