end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
