just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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