I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
