Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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