I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
ttyl tear gas
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
