Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
