remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
