working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
