My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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