I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
