So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize