i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
