Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
