I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
