We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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