Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just gargled with NyQuil
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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