you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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