Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
