i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
