I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I could have mohawked her pubes.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
