i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
