The maid of honor just puked.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize