I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
