i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
