So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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