I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I could make wine with my vomit
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
