I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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