you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
