I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize