I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
