My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize