I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
