im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
