Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
