just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
