I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
