You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
