Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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