Can i not drive my cunt home
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I booty called her while she was in labor.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
