it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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