highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i used baking grease as lip gloss
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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