My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
