Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
