You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
