The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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