One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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