I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
