No period for spring break; use this wisely.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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