Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
