I accidentally burped into my bong.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
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